Ghost of Christmas past

Or lover past, as in this case.

Once upon a time, many, many years ago, I met a man. It happened after a divorce and a year of living in solitude. We met via an adult website.  Our first meeting was a hit, and we met on a regular basis from then on. Both were in agreement on the purpose of our meetings.

A year or so into the “relationship”, woe oh woe, I had to let him know that things had changed for me. “Oh. This is not what I had in mind at all”, was his response. But still, he kept me dangling. Hoping. Hoping. That maybe he would change his mind. His sole intention, as per our aforementioned agreement, was to keep busy during the week-ends.

The folly.

After years, yesToon-NotPiningHim-web….years, of torment, pain, agony, disappointment, tears, depression, utter heartache trying to forget this man, I thought I might finally have gotten him out of my system – so to speak.

It needed an act of “stalking”, but I thought that I finally, finally had done it. That I could think of him as fun times had, an experience, a lessonstalking learned.

At this point it is just under 2 and a half years since I had last heard from him.

One dark and rainy Sunday evening, whilst sitting in my living room watching tv, I hear my bottle-opener-tone of a text message from my phone.

“Hi, do you remember this number?” “Still alive?”

And that’s IT.

No follow-up answer to any of my questions.

Nothing.

So…why? Why this tap on my shoulder from the past?

Because yes, he still had the same gut-wrenching effect on me as before. My heart raced, my brain went in to overdrive with wondering, “Why? Why now? What for?”

So. Here I am, 2 weeks later. Still nothing. And again I wonder.

Why?

 

 

Those dark days

You know those days where nothing seems worth the effort?

What is the point of getting up in the morning?

What is the point of hoping to find love?

What is the point of eating healthy?

Why not just continue eating chocolate and drinking soft drinks?

Why bother about how the house looks?

Why bother striving for a healthy body and working out?

 

I know. It won’t take too long before I bounce back up there, but sometimes….

And mine aren’t really all that dark; compared to some mine are just kind of ….. murky. Not even depressed, just feeling oh, so sorry for myself.

Jeez, girl, get a grip.

Here’s to bouncing back and strapping on that mask.

 

sad-lonely-depressing-depression-quotes-21

Depresjon

Yoga Challenge

After a summer of not really being able to move around a lot, because of an inflammation to my plantar fascia, it is now time to get back in the groove of things.

Surf youtube, I did.

I follow a few yogis on Instagram and Facebook, but none that really got me hooked. Until I stumbled upon Erin Motz. The Bad Yogi.

She is very relaxed about the whole thing, explains the poses, and most importantly for a beginner, doesn’t hold them too long ;-)

And as the eager beaver that I am I have signed up for The Official 2014 Yoga Challenge and I also follow the 30 day yoga challenge on youtube.

But oh, these people make it seem so easy. Take the double pigeon pose, for instance. Good grief…. But what can you do, other than laugh and hope things get better. One positive that I have noticed just over the past few days: my downward facing dog is getting better. Yey…

Sign up for the challenge here:

http://erinmotz.com/challenge/10575187_683197335107781_2384279899615663155_o

I do try, really

Or, at least I have every intention of trying.

To be more outgoing. To socialize more.

But what’s a girl to do.

Scenario 1: invited to a party where I know some, and don’t know some. So, do I introduce myself or not? If I feel outgoing, yes. If not? I have all the friends I need, not interested in meeting new people, I just tend to ignore them at that stage; maybe I’ll talk to them later.

Scenario 2: my ex’s (also father of my children) latest girlfriend. This can be pretty tricky. He is an ex for a reason. I have no further interest in him, WHAT SO EVER. But apparently I still have to feign some sort of compassion/interest due to the kids. But do I have to strike up a conversation with his latest, just because we happen to be standing in the same vicinity? I mean, this is not a person of my choosing. She will never become part of my circle.

Scenario 3: a conversation including several people/friends (I know, how can this be awkward?). Topics are discussed, and sometimes I actually do have something to say on the matter, but I hesitate to butt in with my 5 cents, and -poof- the moment’s gone. They’ve moved on to another topic. And, yet again, I sit there like a wax doll. Silent. Uncontributing.

Scenario 4: I meet someone new :-), like them, would like to talk more, but ……what to talk about? Temporary braindeath. The strange thing is: practically all my friends are the very outgoing type. They strike up conversations with anyone, anywhere, getting lots of attention. Me? Wallflower material.

Anyway.

So, in the first 2 cases, am I just being rude? Giving in to my introvert self? And, in that case, is that such a bad thing? Third scenario: believe in myself and my opinions, my thoughts are just as valuable as anyone elses. Scenario 4: the weather, the latest movie, his clothes. Anything goes, according to a girlfriend. There’s no need to be so effing profound the first time you talk to someone!!!

Introvert AND low selfesteem. Now there’s a killer combo if ever there was one.

I guess it all boils down to try, try again.

Aruban favourites

From my holiday on Aruba, February 2014.

Good morning, Aruba :-)
Good morning, Aruba :-) 
And an amazing sunset
And an amazing sunset

 

Rodger's Beach
Rodger’s Beach
Old vs new
Old vs new
Cocktails on the pier
Cocktails on the pier

image

From the Light Parade
From the Light Parade
This gives me a feeling of 'Picnic at Hanging Rock'
This gives me a feeling of ‘Picnic at Hanging Rock’

 

Watersports
Watersports
The locals in action
The locals in action
Nothing beats the feeling of sand between your toes
Nothing beats the feeling of sand between your toes
So many lovely sunsets
So many lovely sunsets
Keep Aruba clean.
Keep Aruba clean.
The rugged coast
The rugged coast
Carnevaaaaal!!!!
Carnevaaaaal!!!!
Flora of Aruba
Flora of Aruba
Tourbus
Tourbus
Foogle 'aruba' and images, this is pretty much the first photo you'll get.
Google ‘aruba’ and images, this is pretty much the first photo you’ll get.
Aruba, a wind powered nation.
Aruba, a wind powered nation.
The prison of Aruba
The prison of Aruba
Early morning at the beach
Early morning at the beach
Sunrise over Bachellors Beach
Sunrise over bachelors Beach

 

Beach shacks
Beach shacks
View from our 'home' in Savaneta
View from our ‘home’ in Savaneta
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